Dump the Cheater, Keep the Cheater? What to do when infidelity hits home

When my husband and I first got married, I told him that if he ever cheated on me I would "take him to the cleaners" and be done. No matter that we were both grad students with no money--I meant it!

As fate would have it, fast forward and here we are 36 years in and I have a completely different mindset. No, it is not because one of us cheated; it's because I have sat with countless couples who have worked through their infidelity and seen it to the other side. They report being stronger and more intimate than previously experienced. To be fair, not everyone can recover from this. There is no judgment here. It takes a long time to recover, and years and years of building trust and seeing it through. Not everyone can or wants to do that. What the person who was cheated on commonly reports is that he/she feels like someone dropped a nuclear bomb on their lap and the world changed in an instant. Further, the single biggest hurt for most people is how that person could "look (me) in the face and just lie to me!" It's a lot to take in and process, let alone rebuild.

Let me say something before we get to the "what to do" part. Number one, I never let anyone say they would never cheat. As in never. Because the truth is we all can. The privilege  of working with couples is that I get a window into their lives and I hear story after story and at some point, I find myself thinking, "Oh I get it. I can see how that happened." You are in a dry spell relationally, and suddenly a coworker or neighbor laughs at your jokes and says, "You are so funny! I bet your husband/wife thinks you are hilarious." Or, "You are so pretty/handsome/smart/interesting (insert adjective here that makes your heart sing)." And inside, you think, "Man, I haven't heard that it months." Your heart beats a little faster, you feel a little spring in your step and you go home to the same person who hasn't noticed you in ages. Over the course of days, weeks or months that person who does see you becomes more interesting to you, and then you notice that you are making time to accidentally run into him or her. Don't even talk about the hormonal rush of new love or lust or a crush. It is powerful.

Then one day, the truth comes out somehow and here comes the bomb. What to do?

Number one: Don't call an attorney right away. You may feel ready to end it all, but you are in crisis and it's not wise to act  on it. Take a beat. The only time I would recommend an attorney right away is if your partner says he/she has no intention of ending it. Call an attorney, but do collaborative divorce (see previous blog on that).
 Or, call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs. 

Number two: Let a therapist guide you into what to do and how to proceed. I cannot tell you how many couples I have seen over the years who swept it under the rug only to have it bite them in the proverbial hind quarters years down the road. It happens because one person cannot get past it and/or another infidelity is discovered. So, call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.

Number three:   Do NOT tell your children. Ever. It is a burden they cannot work through and they will resent you for it later in life or that day moving forward. It is difficult enough when you organically realize your parents are flawed. Don't rush them to the process. Talk to your therapist or a very trusted friend. Protect them from something they can do nothing about. And yes, this includes adult children. Therefore, call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs. 

Number four:  Be honest with yourself. Forgiveness is part of the equation. If you cannot or will not, let that person go. Again, take the time to see if it's possible. And, call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.

Number five: If you are the person who cheated, have the therapist help you navigate a disclosure. I always tell the person who stepped out that they are not allowed to make the other person feel crazy. If they had a gut feeling you really didn't go to Issaquah for business and asked you about it but you lie and say you were when you really were in Spokane, then you make them feel nuts.  Definitely call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.  

Number six:  To the person who was cheated on: you think you want to know every detail, but you really don't.  You don't need images and faces in your head and in your bedroom. You need to know the times and places but not the sexual details. I don't have a single client in twenty years of doing this who said they were glad they asked. Not one. They all were markedly traumatized by images they didn't know they invited. Call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.

Finally: Don't retaliate by cheating, and don't be abusive because you are so angry. Retaliatory infidelity clouds healing and offers no leg to stand on when you are hurting and wanting reassurance. It so muddies the waters. And, while you can put your partner in the dog-house metaphorically speaking, doing damage through verbal abuse doesn't make the offending partner draw closer to  you to help you heal. It is a definite repellant, fair or not. Instead, call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.

An affair can be something that can be worked through and a couple can come out the other side stronger and more connected. But, can I be more clear? ​Call a therapist who is seasoned and experienced in helping couples navigate affairs.