|
It seems as though more and more I have clients talking about the problems they have with either their own parents or the parents of their partners. These are not conversations that are easy to have. It's one thing to be talking smack about your own parents, but it's another when your partner is going off on yours. I could use this space to talk about how to handle it, and I may at a later post. (If you look at the side of this page and see "Archives", you would understandably think that it may be 2 years from now when you read it. Like you, I am a work in progress!) I want to use this post to talk to you--the parents of adult children.
It is difficult to have an adult child. It's an oxymoron. The conflict is obvious. He or she IS an adult. And, he or she is also your child. The trick is to focus on them being adults and not children. Easier said than done, right? But the truth is, they are grown and raised and living a life that is theirs and theirs alone. They have chosen a partner and may or may not have children, who are also theirs to raise. We had our chance and now it's theirs to do the raising! So sit back and enjoy the ride. The end. Goodbye. Ok, not really. I'd like to offer a few things to consider as you navigate this new relationship. Keep in mind that they are day to day practices. You don't arrive and then it's all good. Things come up and you will have to contain yourself and remember that these are adults living their own lives. Here are a few pointers. 1. You didn't like it when your parents told you how to parent, There is no rule book and we all learn as we go. Unless the grandchildren are in danger (literally, not you being nervous about the possibility of it), be quiet and be a loving observer. 2. Give advice only when asked. Period. 3. Your adult child gets to set the rules. If you think it's stupid that their child eats McNuggets or is Vegan, that's fine. But you don't get to share that opinion. If they ask you to feed Joey X, then feed Joey X. If you step back and think about it, it is very disrespectful to ignore the parents and do what you want. I hear this one all the time and it amazes me. Basically you are saying, "Yeah. I couldn't care less what you think. I will do what I want because your rule is stupid." 4. Your child chose the partner they chose. Being critical of that person, making off handed remarks and being downright disrespectful is a good way to alienate the relationship. Choose to be a friend and not a foe. If you have grave concerns about their partner*, do this anyway. It costs nothing to be kind and polite, If things go south, you may be (though not always) a safe place to land if you aren't critical. And if things don't go south, then you are setting an example of what a loving in-law can be. *I am not talking about abusive partners here. 5. HELP! There is nothing worse than a houseguest who takes and takes and offers nothing. Even if they don't take you up on your offer, it matters that you offered! Offer to babysit if they have children. Offer to make a meal when you are there. Clean up after yourself. This may seem obvious, but trust me, you would be surprised. I don't know about you but when I had two little ones, any help was such a gift! Assume your kids are exhausted. 6. If there are no grandchildren, don't harp about when. Their reproductive choices are not your business. Don't ask. This is a great time to develop a friendship with your in-law. Get to know him or her and appreciate your adult child's choice. Be curious, ask questions, be interested! So what is an "out-law?" Do the exact opposite of 1-6, and you will learn quickly what it means. If Door A is being a healthy in-law, and Door B in the unhealthy out-law, choose Door A. Every. Time.
0 Comments
|