One of my very favorite movies, which happens to have the beautiful and talented Ryan Gosling as the main character, is entitled Lars and the Real Girl. It came out in 2007 and I don't think it was critically acclaimed, though the writer was nominated for an Academy Award  for best original screenplay. In my humble opinion, every last person in that movie deserved an award. Patricia Clarkson plays the family physician in this small town, and she was truly one of the most loving and wise characters in a cast of loving and kind characters. I don't want to give the whole movie away, so let me try to sum it up and then get to my point.

Lars is a shy, socially awkward young man who is lost in his own world and has difficulty connecting to his brother Gus (who is embarrassed by and put out with Lars), and his sister-in-law Karin, who desperately wants to help Lars get out of his shell.  He has a blue-collar job, and  finds some of the other male employees gawking at and trolling a website with life-size sex dolls. Lars ends up buying one and introducing his "girlfriend" Bianca to his family and then to the community. I won't ruin the movie for you, but suffice it to say, Bianca isn't all she seems to be, and, as time goes on, her inability be to human becomes a real problem for Lars, even though initially she seems to be a savior figure.

For the love of all that is good and worth your time, what is my point?? For years I have been counseling couples with problems with sexual and emotional intimacy. Not surprisingly, the most common complaints are porn or electronic devices. My mentor Terry Real calls porn "the incestuous mother--It's all about you my dear and there is no need to worry about me." No connection, no need to give back or sacrifice--just turn me on and leave me alone. Electronic devices are instant hits of gratification where we are looking for easy answers or easy ways to disconnect from our sad little lives.

Recently, I was having technical issues with my printer and an AI agent named Abby walked me through the process. "She" was patient, kind and even said, "I understand this is frustrating" when I was telling her I was frustrated. It dawned on me that I wasn't talking to a human after I apologized for being short with her! It felt real--everything about the call felt like I was talking to a human. I wasn't.  I have had clients tell me that they have consulted AI for relationship advice and for interpreting their partner's responses. To be fair, sometimes the answers from AI were indeed helpful! And yet and yet. AI does not care one wit about you. You can consult AI about how to kill yourself, how to kill others and it will tell you. Why? Because it is not human and it doesn't have the capacity, NOR WILL IT EVER, to love you, and care for you. AI cannot tell you the hard truths as a human being can when they come along side you and go through and witness your pathos, or beam and hug you when life hands you a gift. Just as in Lars and the Real Girl, it wasn't Bianca who saved Lars, it was the community. It was flesh and blood humans who patiently loved him through the strange darkness of his existence. 

Listen, I get it. We all want an easy button to push and ease our lives. There are no buttons that can do that. There is no technology that can hold you and comfort you in grief. There is no technology that can help you walk with another human and learn how to connect with them in deep and meaningful ways. We think that Bianca is the answer, but she never was and she never will be.

I have blogged before about words making a difference. They do. But today I want to write about a trend that I think is dangerous at the worst, and arrogant and not relational at the least.

I tell most of my clients at one time or another, "No one wants to be married to a therapist." What I mean by that is when couples talk to each other using therapeutic terminology (e.g. "We have a trauma-bond", "My partner is such a narcissist"), one goes one-up to put the other person in their place (one-down). A therapist is trained in school, completed 3000 hours of post-grad work to obtain a license and even then, an ethical one knows the benefits, risks and even dangers of labeling their clients. We are trained to diagnose if need be, and we do so thoughtfully and deliberately. What has happened in the last decade or two, is that many people think they can diagnose, label and make meaning of their partner's behavior. Worse still, they can do the same because, "I know what he/she is thinking​."

What has also happened in the last decade or so, is that people mishandle, misuse or water-down words such that they are common place and therefore lack any meaning. We are no longer shocked because "everyone has generational trauma", or they don't feel "safe" or we have all been "abused". When words lose meaning, no alarms go off and people stop really listening or they lose empathy. When words lose meaning, we all become victims, lost in our own victimhood.

The terms and labels I want to discuss are the following:  Safe/safety, Abuse, Trauma and Narcissist. I am sure there are others, but these words have become so watered down in our lexicon as to become almost meaningless, or they are used to punish or subdue others into shutting up and backing down. 

"I don't feel safe". This statement should mean, "I am in danger, I need help, I need to get away for fear of harm or death."  What it does not mean is that someone disagrees with you, or hurts your feelings, or challenges you, or is not happy with your decisions or choices. If someone does any of the aforementioned  things, then being an adult is sitting with the discomfort and deciding to take it in or not. Either way, you have a choice. When you are truly not safe, the only choice you have is to try to get away for fear of real danger. 

"This is abuse!"  Pia Melody, who was truly a dynamo in the field of trauma and addiction, and highly respected (deservedly so) once said, "Anything less than nurturing is abuse." Respectfully, what hogwash.  My father was quick tempered and could really yell. He NEVER swore at us, put us down, called us names or hit us. Was he abusive? No. Was he unbridled and harsh at times, most definitely. Abuse is physical harm that causes bruising or injury.  Verbal abuse is using words to degrade and name call on a repeated basis (it's never OK to do either, but I would ask that one gives grace when it's a "one-off" event. Was it OK? No! Not at all. But is that person abusive? Be very careful in the accusation). Sexual abuse is obvious, and I don't really hear this misused. But, I can say, I have heard the misuse of the term "rape" as in, "I felt raped when I paid so much for groceries at Whole Foods." 

"I was so traumatized!"  We live in a culture where the term PTSD is used like candy. "I have PTSD from seeing the post on Insta." "I was traumatized when I heard politician Joe/Sue say..." While this is in no way an exhaustive list, real trauma is going to war, being in a war zone, being a victim of crime (including rape), child abuse, elder abuse, the death of a child or the sudden death of a loved one, being evicted and therefore homeless. I could go on! When we water down this term, we are making something that is pregnant with meaning and horror into something bland and common. If you don't know what trauma really is, and I don't mean that in a condescending way, then read about it. You won't be able to use that word with such lack of care ever again.

And lastly, "He/she is such a narcissist!" I won't go into this because you can look it up, preferably in the DSM, but being selfish, self-centered, entitled and grandiose doesn't necessarily mean someone is a narcissist. It may just mean that he/she is being selfish, self-centered, entitled or grandiose!  It is not on you to diagnose your partner, your parent or your friends. This too is a big statement to make. You are diagnosing someone with a lifelong personality disorder, and to use this with abandon is again, grandiose and not right unless there is a real diagnosis made by a professional.

There was a movie made and to age myself, I think it was Julie Andrews in "The Princess Diaries." She said, "Words matter." They do indeed.