New Year's Themes

I have noticed over the years that there seems to be a theme that courses through me as I sit and listen to couples. What I mean is, I find myself sharing the same thing over and over throughout a few months and then it takes shape to be a theme throughout the year. For example, one year the theme was "pay attention" and another was "be curious." It's not like I don't say those still, I do, but it was like every couple needed to hear that one phrase during our work together. Often multiple times. So I began to pay attention to what was happening and what I was seeing consistently with my couples and I started internally calling it the theme of the year. It wasn't like I was inserting it into our sessions; more like it was inserting itself into our sessions. Maybe that sounds mystical--believe me, therapy sometimes seems that way-- and I cannot emphasize enough that therapy and the work that gets done can really be mysterious or spiritual in some way. {Sidebar note: I cannot tell you how often the opening sentences of a session end up circling back to the end of the session, even if that initial sentence or issue was not the focus of the session at all!} Does any of this make sense?!

So back to my point. It may only be January 31st, but the theme I see taking shape is "listen." Listen. The truth is we don't. I don't. We all talk over each other. Turn on any news channel of any political side and within minutes you will hear raised voices, interruptions and talking over each other. Each person wants to have their moment to prove their point or show how the other person is wrong or misguided. We ALL do this on some level. We begin to listen but then start formulating our defense or point of view. We are hardwired to be understood, less so to understand. 

 What happens if we stop, breathe, put ourselves aside and just listen?  It's hard to do, isn't it? But what if we did? This is when the magic happens! We may not agree with all of what that person said, or even any of what that person said, but we will form a connection with the other because they feel seen and heard. You (hopefully) will see a softening, or a leaning into the relationship because they feel in their soul, "At last! You get me!" 

I often tell (confess to?) my clients that I am a much better listener as a therapist than I am as a friend or wife. Why? Because I am eager to be understood, or to show I understand by relating to that other persons' story by telling a story of my own. With my husband, when I find myself in my less relational stance, I want to be understood more than I want to understand. When I am in my functional adult, relational stance, I lean in, listen and clarify to make sure I understand what he is saying to me, even if it's difficult to hear.

Here are a few questions for you to ponder: Am I likely to get more of what I want if I listen, really listen, to my partner before I speak? Has it ever backfired when I listen, and check in to see if I understood correctly? How is it working for me to jump in and defend myself before I hear what is being said to me? How often do I get it wrong when I do so?  

So, listen up! You may be surprised by the results!